So if you've read the first part of my breakdown of Ornstein's appearance on the podcast, you're probably wondering about something I mentioned involving Shkodran Mustafi: The Dairylea Incident.
Mustafi joined the club last summer as our record defensive signing for a whopping fee reported to be upwards of £35 million. Fans were excited about the German centre-back, who boasted an impressive track record in La Liga and had some Premier League experience to boot. Which, following a slightly disappointing debut campaign and a proposed loan-with-an-agreement-to-buy deal that was cancelled at the last minute, has left some fans wondering what went wrong.
Things started brightly on the field for the 25-year-old, who impressed with a series of solid performances at the back, and appeared to be exactly what fans had been crying out for all summer. However, off the field, things weren't so great. Shkodran did eventually make a friend in fellow Muslim and German compatriot Mesut Ozil, but for the most part he struggled to fit in with the notoriously macho Arsenal squad.
One of the main difficulties came in the form of a popular brand of soft cheese. Being a German of Albanian descent, Mustafi had never tried Dairylea upon his arrival at Everton in 2009, but being a 17 year old living abroad for the first time he had told himself that an open mind would be absolutely essential if he was to have a succesful social life in England. It's an open secret that if you want to play for Everton: you have to love Dairylea. This isn't a rule enforced by the management, but rather part of a culture of confectionary-based conformity enforced by the squad in an increasingly player-power oriented landscape.
To begin with he found the foil packaging on cheese triangles irritating and fiddly, and he felt like he always ended up getting some of the cheese on his nose or round his mouth when he ate them, because of the annoying way the packets open. For this reason he decided one day to start buying tubs of Dairylea cheese spread and making his own little triangles out of it, which he could eat with a spoon at his own leisure. He saw no problem with this, but Tony Hibbert quickly informed him that what he was doing was "gay", and "stupid", and that he'd "soon have trouble with some of the senior lads" if he didn't start sharing regular cheese triangles with the rest of the group.
Over time, the, fit, young, defensive prospect adapted to the soft-cheese culture at the club, and actually began to really enjoy sharing cheese triangles with other members of the group, including future England great Jack Rodwell and dunkers-obsessed left-back Leighton Baines. He even began to enjoy other Dairylea products, such as the fantastically convenient, individually wrapped cheese singles, or the rather suggestively named Strip Cheese. He did, still, however, maintain an immense dislike for Lunchables, which he felt were rubbery and flavourless. He's quoted as having said "I don't mind the pepperoni ones, but the ham ones are just so bad, and I can't understand why they're so popular. Also on the packet it shows them stacked really high up, but surely if you stacked them that high up you wouldn't be able to fit them in your mouth?" Shkodran was wise to keep these feelings secret from the ever-watchful Tony Hibbert, who would have been furious if he'd found out.
Flash-forward a few years, and Mustafi (at this point a Valencia player) is pushing for a last minute move to Arsenal, brimming with excitement at the thought of returning to what he had assumed was a Premier League-wide culture of eating Dairylea with the lads. Little did he know what would await him upon his return to our shores.
On his first day at training he made sure to be really well prepared, packing his cooler-bag full of various different Dairylea products which he excitedly revealed to the lads in the changing room as soon as they got in.
"What the 'ell is that? Why 'ave you brought so many cheeses with you mate?" a half-naked Hector Bellerin asked. Mustafi's excited, Honey Monster-esque smile began to sink into an expression of anxious bemusement.
"We don't have food in the changing rooms mate, why have you brought all this stuff in here?", Theo Walcott said, in a very stern and grown-up voice, emphasised by his tattoos and stylish haircut.
Mustafi responded immediately: "Haha, this is some kind of joke, yah? I'm bringing in the cheeses so we can have a munch on them together while we get changed!", still half-expecting somebody to crack a smile and then pat him on the back, revealing that they were only joking. Behind him a couple of the lads sniggered but not in the way he had been hoping for. Not in a nice way.
"Get rid of those now or I'll get really tough with you.", Walcott continued, rolling up his sleeves menacingly.
Mustafi definitely didn't want to get on the wrong side of the burly winger and so he picked up the bag and headed for the door, barely managing to get the words "sorry lads I've made a big mistake" out, as his eyes started to well up and his hands began to shake. He got to the door in a frantic state, dropping a number of the popular processed cheese products on the floor as he made his exit.
He ran around London Colney for what felt like hours, barely able to see through tears and struggling to catch his breath in between bouts of sobbing. All sorts of things went through his head, like "How could I have been so foolish?" "Have I moved to the right club?", and "What's there to dislike about Dairylea?" Emotions raced through his mind as he ran around the empty training pitches in an increasingly manic state.
What happened after that is something of a mystery. Some say that upon being discovered hiding under a table in the cafeteria, he told Wenger what was wrong, prompting the boss to fiercely discipline the squad and make it clear that if he heard of any bullying like that again there'd be big personnel changes at the club, but Mustafi himself emphatically denies that he told anybody and maintains that he wasn't crying but he just felt like doing some sprints to make sure he was extra well prepared for his debut against Southampton.
You may ask yourself: if this happened during his first training session why did Mustafi start well, only to falter later on in the season? This is what's known as Delayed Stress Syndrome, a condition in which, after a traumatic incident, somebody may seem completely fine for weeks, only to later develop symptoms of full-blown PTSD. Senior medical team members believe this is what happened to Mustafi.
After his injury, he had some time off to get baked and chill out for a bit. This is thought to be when the problems really set in. We all know that sometimes weed can put you on a bit of a weird one, and if you've already got a lot on your mind you probably shouldn't be smoking it. The thing is, Mustafi's parents seem to completely blame weed for what happened to him during the latter part of the season, but in my opinion (and that of the Arsenal medical team), it's much more complicated than that. And anyway, how can something that grows in the ground be bad for you?
It's not clear at the moment what the future holds for Mustafi. Some at the club say he's going to be fine. Others say his mood swings, short temper, and difficulty focusing may be a permanent result of what happened to him that day. A loan move to Italy was thought to be something that could maybe take his mind off things, but Arsenal were unable to acquire a replacement in the form of Jonny Evans, and so Mustafi has been doomed to another potentially traumatic year with the Gunners.
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